Dec 8, 2011 by Donald Rosenblitt, M.D. |
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The appalling sexual abuse situation at Penn State University troubles all of us. The thoughts of parents inevitably turn to their children – wondering if they have educated and protected them sufficiently, and worrying if they will be able to recognize the signs of abuse if such a horror were to befall their child. We’d like to offer a few suggestions about preparing and protecting children.
Although we at the Lucy Daniels Center are understood to be the “experts” in the emotional health of children, we are nevertheless modest about “expert” wisdom. You’ve probably read advice on what to say to children, such as about “good touch and bad touch.” Unfortunately, the situation is never as simple as it might seem. For example, not all sexual abuse feels bad or even wrong to a child, so the “good” and “bad” touch dichotomy may not always pertain. Furthermore, parents must walk a delicate balance between preparing a child to recognize predators and prematurely introducing them to a sense that the world is an unpredictable and dangerous place.
Parents must seek the best way to tell their child that some adults might act in ways that are very wrong without creating anxiety that interferes with their child’s sense of safety in the world. Children need to know that when adults do bad things, it’s right to reject these bad deeds and to tell their parents or other trusted adults what has happened.
At the same time, children may or may not be able to control the actions of adults, and we certainly don’t want to leave them feeling that if they submit to an adult (and they may well have no choice), that it was their fault for allowing such contact that their parents have told them is inappropriate.
Much more important is that they feel that they can come to their parents with any concern or event that occurs. The best way that parents can guarantee that their children will approach them in the event that they are preyed upon is to create a much more generalized parent-child climate where children feel respected and believed. In this setting, even if children misbehave and discipline is in order, parents would also recognize (although not necessarily condone) their motivations and point of view. Parents would not use shaming as a mode of discipline. They would respect their children’s body themselves, including eschewing all forms of corporal punishment (which is, after all, just a socially condoned expression of the rights of ownership and use of another’s body).
Many of our columns over the years in Carolina Parent have addressed this issue of respectful relationships; we commend them to your attention if you would like more information about establishing the kinds of relationship that would allow a child to feel safe to come to parents with the overwhelmingly frightening, shameful, and guilt-ridden news that they have been preyed upon. Look for more information and advice on this issue in January’s Ask Lucy Daniels column.
Sep 8, 2011 by Don Rosenblitt, M.D. |
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The 10-year anniversary of the attacks that occurred on Sept. 11, 2001, is on the horizon. Many of us who were fortunate enough not to be directly involved in the events or losses were nevertheless shaken and even mildly traumatized by those events. Anniversaries have a way of re-evoking the feelings associated with the original event – we call that re-living an “anniversary reaction.”
Parents experiencing an anniversary reaction are more likely to be talking about the events of September 11 or paying attention to the media coverage of the rememberances. This period of re-focusing can be a constructive way of dealing with lingering emotions for adults.
Nevertheless, parents should be aware that their needs and their children’s needs are very different. Children do not benefit from learning about the specifics of September 11. Children benefit from learning about the troubles of the world to the extent that they are not excessively frightening. The events of September 11 are beyond the ability of a young child to understand and reach some comfort or confidence about.
Teenagers are ready to confront the uglier aspects of the world, but younger children – particularly those seven and younger – need protection against realities that are excessively frightening.
So parents, be especially careful at this point in time when you are liable to caught up in your own memories. We will be posting other suggestions for parents about the upcoming anniversary in the upcoming weeks.
Mental Health Matters! is posted on the Carolina Parent Magazine's website, the Triangle's family resource - in print for over 21 years! And online at www.carolinaparent.com.
Sep 8, 2011 by Don Rosenblitt, M.D. |
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Our Mental Health Matters Blog generally presents and discusses some new research findings in the field of children’s mental health and emotional development. This posting will be different, because we would like to provide some practical advice to parents at this time that there are so many concerning events throughout the Middle East and in Japan.
Although there are important issues to consider for children of all ages, preschool children are most vulnerable to being upset by disturbing current events. We often suggest that parents listen to the words that are coming across the radio or television news. Words and phrases such as danger, fire, shooting, guns, tanks, blood, and other words that a child can easily recognize and associate with danger
fill the airwaves. The most effective strategy for helping a young child with disturbing news is to prevent him or her from being exposed to the news in the first place! This may mean that parents have to make more effort to follow the news at times when their children are not present, but the extra work will be well worth it.
We will be writing more in the days ahead about aspects of this topic.
Mental Health Matters! is posted on the Carolina Parent Magazine's website, the Triangle's family resource - in print for over 21 years! And online at www.carolinaparent.com.
